Reflections From the Past – but I Left Them Behind

In preparation for selling our home in the April, my husband ‘W’ and I have been trying to de-clutter all that we can, as we’re going into an apartment. In doing so we found some things that are from a long time ago, causing ‘reflections from the past.

Now my belief is, that really one should basically not  look into the past too much especially at the worrisome or difficult times. But in having to clear some of it to decide what to throw out, I read a bit of the notes from cognitive therapy I had done and also some writings from a couple of journals. I didn’t read a lot of it but enough to take me back in time to the last period of depression that I had suffered.

We also were deciding what VHS tapes to discard, and so watched a couple not knowing what was on them. There wasn’t anything bad in them, but one was of a cruise we took during another of my ‘episodes’ of depression. We went with his two brothers and their wives, and it reminded me of how little I enjoyed that ‘what should have been’, wonderful vacations. I didn’t recognize most of what ‘W’s  brother had video-taped. I spent so much time by myself, lying down and sleeping so much.  I don’t think I ever went up to the top deck, where the pool was.

I suppose we thought that the cruise would brighten my spirits, but instead it seemed to intensify them.

If you have suffered from this ‘darkness’ of mind and spirit, you’ll know that sometimes good and nice things, or people laughing and having fun make you feel worse.

Anyway, I didn’t stay in the negative zone too long, just long enough for a few tears. I shredded all the material, dried my tears, and left it all behind.

I never want to revisit that place, where at times I could not see any hope or way to feel joy again. It is in the past and will remain there……

I looked into the past for awhile, but only to find out how far I have come!

19 thoughts on “Reflections From the Past – but I Left Them Behind

  1. Diane you have come a long way and along that way our Heavenly Father held you close and your friends and family encouraged and cared for you. Jesus was by your side the whole time – lifting you up, praying for you to our Father. Imagine that Jesus, praying just for you!!! How awesome is that?! I am sorry you had to endure so much and pray you never have to relive those moments again. You are such a beautiful caring person, I am thankful God allowed our paths to cross.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Patty …Your words are so comforting. During those times though I cried out to God , and wondered why He didn’t just make me better.. I yet knew He was there with me…and when I look back I guess that I wasn’t ready to receive what I needed.. I didn’t doubt that He was there though…. but you’re right I don’t want to revisit those days .

      I’m also very glad that we’ve crossed paths too. Hope you are well.! Diane

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  2. When I read your message Diane although I felt sadness for you remembering the big black hole that I was in for years, I also thought of your Husband and how wonderful and supportive he must have been, you are very blessed and he too to have you.

    As I look back on my life Diane although very sad because of all the evil that happened to me, some of which I caused myself, I do so now without pain, Jesus has healed me and I can now see how He was with me even though I was deceived that He didn’t exist and that I came from an Ape, so I rejoice too as I see His awesome footprints in my life.

    Christian Love and Blessings – Anne.

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    • He was a support in the latter years, but alas for many .. though he loved me, he didn’t understand depression. He was of such a different nature… and thought that I should have been able to pull myself out of it. That’s why I did a post one time to help those who live with a person with depression, advising of things that don’t help… and small things that might…. at least that would have helped me.
      I knew that God was with me through it all and it was by His grace that I eventually was released from that darkness… Diane xx

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  3. It is good to look back, but without judgement. Not easy, I know. I’m one of the regretful ones. So looking back can be painful. But you are so right, changing your mindset to looking at the progress you have made is proof of how far you have come. 🙂

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