I guess that as my husband and others would know about me, I am indeed complex. I seem to always need to know the ‘why’s of everything that I can. Some people just accept things at face value and do not need explanations or the reasons for things being as they are. But I am definitely not one of those people.
It appears that I may have to adjust my thinking after living for sixty-eight years. I thought I knew who I was and my short-comings as well as my strengths. There are times when I guess we do need to know all the why’s and wherefores, and times when we have to let what we don’t know, remain a mystery.
Sometimes it’s difficult to say when a relationship changes or the reason it does. It must happen over a period of time and circumstances, and even though I’d like to know exactly why and exactly when, I’m not going to it seems. By trying to determine this in order to satisfy my own curiosity or needs, it will only be detrimental to regaining a relationship.
At first I must admit I was hurt and angry that we couldn’t talk and try to work out some of the differences that must have begun many years ago. I wanted to say some of the things that I felt were unjust or how I felt I must have been misunderstood.
There were tears that somehow I wasn’t allowed an opportunity to ‘defend’ myself or offer reasons or explanations if some were needed to enlighten the situation, of what I did not know.
This anger and tears were held inside of course and not made verbal, as I waited until the phone call was over and I had promised that I would not go back anymore into these things. As I tried to make sense of it all…….
a story from the Bible came to mind, and that is the story of the Prodigal son. When the son finally comes home the father doesn’t ask him all kinds of questions about why he felt the need to leave with his inheritance and squander it on all manner of things; or what caused him to finally return home. Instead, all he did was to have a celebration and rejoice that his son was home again.
So, while I am left with questions unanswered and unresolved, I will move forward and leave the past behind! And I shall ‘rejoice’.
New International Version (NIV)
18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past