To Never Know The Why’s

I guess that as my husband and others would know about me, I am indeed complex. I seem to always need to know the ‘why’s of everything that I can. Some people just accept things at face value and do not need explanations or the reasons for things being as they are. But I am definitely not one of those people.

It appears that I may have to adjust my thinking after living for sixty-eight years. I thought I knew who I was and my short-comings as well as my strengths. There are times when I guess we do need to know all the why’s and wherefores, and times when we have to let what we don’t know, remain a mystery.

Sometimes it’s difficult to say when a relationship changes or the reason it does. It must happen over a period of time and circumstances, and even though I’d like to know exactly why and exactly when, I’m not going to it seems. By trying to determine this in order to satisfy my own curiosity or needs, it will only be detrimental to regaining a relationship.

At first I must admit I was hurt and angry that we couldn’t talk and try to work out some of the differences that must have begun many years ago. I wanted to say some of the things that I felt were unjust or how I felt I must have been misunderstood.

There were tears that somehow I wasn’t allowed an opportunity to ‘defend’ myself or offer reasons or explanations if some were needed to enlighten the situation, of what I did not know.

This anger and tears were held inside of course and not made verbal, as I waited until the phone call was over and I had promised that I would not go back anymore into these things. As I tried to make sense of it all…….

a story from the Bible came to mind,  and that is the story of the Prodigal son. When the son finally comes home the father doesn’t ask him all kinds of questions about why he felt the need to leave with his inheritance and squander it on all manner of things; or what caused him to finally return home. Instead, all he did was to have a celebration and rejoice that his son was home again.

So, while I am left with questions unanswered and unresolved, I will move forward and leave the past behind! And I shall ‘rejoice’.

Isaiah 43:18-19

New International Version (NIV)

18 “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past

20 thoughts on “To Never Know The Why’s

  1. Not being able have your say and be understood is hard. Years ago someone was clearly mad at me and did not all see their part in why I acted as I did. It was very hard to not call and describe the situation from my point of view. However, I knew that they would never hear what I was saying so I left the topic without closure. Of course, every situation is different but I can tell you that I rarely think of it or am bothered by it anymore. Hopefully with time the “elephant” will be so small you won’t notice him.

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    • That’s exactly it…. they don’t see their part in anything and it’s like a guilt trip….but not wanting to discuss it leaves me feeling like it’s so unfair… BUT having said that I don’t have a choice and so I hope and pray like you…. I will not be bothered by it as time passes….. and the hurt will diminish and the ‘elephant’ will also!… Thanks for validating my feelings Katie…. I do hope that with the new meds that you were starting …you are starting to feel a bit better… Diane

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      • They do seem to be taking care of symptoms I was so used to, I didn’t realize they were symptoms. 🙂
        Thanks…and it is good to know someone reacted similar.
        Have a good night. 8)

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  2. I totally get what you’re saying. I always want to know ‘why’ too and it’s incredibly frustration when you don’t get the answer. I think the father in the story of the Prodigal Son was wise not to ask questions. The story will come in it’s own time. Worrying about why won’t help you today or tomorrow. I wonder often if my mother feels as you do and wonders why I do not have contact with her. You make me very sympathetic to her.

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    • You’re right of course.. at this point it won’t help… I don’t have any idea about your mother’s and your relationship but I would imagine that she likely is wondering….. even if she is at fault to not know would be hard…. Diane

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      • I often consider opening the door to my mother again, but am too fearful of the results. I never felt wanted or loved. It seemed I was always alone, even among a house full of people. That feeling of being unloved is a huge contributing factor in making me feel unlovable, and to my deep depression and I find that hard to forgive. Though I have forgiven her, I just don’t feel she needs me in her life.

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        • I don’t know if you feel you have closure with your Mom…but if you don’t, and want to… maybe you could do a letter to her and let her know how you felt etc. You don’t necessarily have to open yourself up to renewing the relationship… but just to let her know the hurt you felt…. it may be cathartic for you… I’m not meaning to overstep or interfere… it was just a thought I had. I know that if my daughter allowed me to do this it would help me to at least express to her why I feel the way I do… But it is not to be….. Diane

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  3. Although the need for answers exist, sometimes they just don’t matter, do they? You are one wise women, filled with such joy, impacting even when it’s not apparent! Keep smiling! 🙂

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      • Badly – in tears right now because my brother and sis-in-law won’t answer my emails. Their daughter was injured in accident but is fully recovered now and I know I am not blamed for accident – they have just been so horrible to my ma and me re our concern and love – I feel so rejected and bewildered.

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        • I think the feelings ‘rejected and bewildered’ is so apropos… I may need to accept the terms given but am left with much the same feelings to sort through… Why is it that people find it so hard to talk out their feelings and think by just ignoring them ..that somehow it doesn’t have an effect on others…’the elephant in the room so to speak”…. I guess in my case anyway I have to try hard to tough it out and hope the hurt lessens over time… For your well-being I hope somehow if their attitude doesn’t change…. you gain a semblance of peace…Diane

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