May 21st, 2001
I re-read some of what I had previously written and would like to gladly report I feel stronger, but I can’t. When I went to the Dr. a week ago my husband went in with me. I was hoping he might reveal some things to me if the Dr. was present, regarding his feelings etc. and also maybe he could get some things that confuse or frustrate him about my behaviour, off his chest. I think there was some enlightenment for both of us, but nothing startling. My medication was ‘upped’. I guess W. was disappointed that the doctor did not have a new miracle ‘happy’ pill to prescribe. I am being facetious, but he and others feel somehow the doctor has failed to ‘fix me’.
Our human frailties cannot be ‘fixed’ like a broken toy, but I must admit that I too wish this was possible. I need to get beyond this darkness of my very being. I need to feel it lift off of me. Only I don’t know how. Positive thinking probably is a way of life for many people and helps them in their lives and emotions. It’s just that I can’t put on that ‘positivity’. I feel so inept and I would be phony if I pretended to.
I guess I want God to actually verbally tell me what He is saying, like He spoke to Adam and Eve and the early prophets, and later His disciples. I guess I’m like Thomas in a way, wanting some physical signs. My spirit is not alive enough to decipher His plans or goals for me. I know that constant depression is not what a Christian person perceives is pleasing to God. There are of course many biblical examples of depression… David, Job, Paul to name a few, but their ministries of faith brought them out of it. I’m so slow in coming out, and then only it seems for a while before something ‘triggers’ it and it seems to take longer each time to recover from each episode. I am so tired!
A side-note: The next entry was January 2002 where I say that I had a bad breakdown a few months ago, therefore not writing anymore in 2001.
The good news is that I did eventually fight my way out of depression, and ‘fight’ it was, I’ll write about it the next post. Each person’s challenge with depression is different, and so even my path will not necessarily be the way for another person. We each have to determine what that is, hopefully with the support of doctors, friends and family.