This is the third post of some journal entries I came across written 12 years ago, and for which I am posting in the hope that someone reading can perhaps identify with some of the feelings experienced, and realize that others have been where they are at the present time. My intention is not to draw attention to myself, only to maybe help someone else.
I’m not writing in entirety, leaving out some things that are not pertinent. Presently I am free from the darkness that I called it, and will post some of the positive things that helped me finally get there, with the final post. For those that know me and know some of what I write, they may wish to forgo reading these posts, and I understand. So I will continue on where I left off … Part One found here, Part two found here.
January 9th, 2001
My emotions have not improved much, but I’ll have to ride the wave, until calmer waters prevail. My split personality is that on the one side, I am a believer of Christ, but the other person inside is still a very fragile individual, according to the world’s standard… i.e. one with a constant battle with depression. Not that the ‘world’ really understands what it’s like, but the stereotype is definitely there. I know and see such strength in others; believers and non-believers. Here I am with my deep thoughts and unspoken fears…fears of what? “God is not the author of fear, but one of love, peace and a sound mind.” I love that scripture. Then why do I succumb to it at times? It is true that if you know God’s word, it can be and is the only weapon I can verbalize at times like this. I remind myself by quoting some of His words that are imbedded in my memory. “God will never leave you or forsake you”… “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Even writing some of them now is comforting. It’s like saying to the Lord… “I know that I know you are there, and love me, even if I am not acting like I do. Lord help Thou my unbelief!”
January 25th, 2001Went to see the Psychiatrist today, and told him how I was feeling. The fact that I’m grateful for all that I have, but continue to be an unhappy kind of person, which I don’t understand. He said maybe I was afraid to be happy! I had thoughts at times along that path, but had to really think about it. It’s right in a way! I need to face the fact that I probably wonder if I dare to feel good, what will happen to me? Will I begin trusting or believing good things, only to have it shattered again? It sounds as though I’m being a coward. There are so many negative thoughts rolling around in my head, it’s hard to let positive thoughts stay awhile. I need to constantly try to put positive thoughts in… the more I put in, perhaps many will stay and crowd out the bad ones! I’m going to try to re-read the ‘reflections and memories” that I wrote a few months ago. I need to remind myself how much I have to be thankful for. Even as I write these words, my temperament is not changing.
Oh Lord, what are you going to do with me?
note: I’m going to stop for now as don’t want to make these posts too long… to be continued