To continue with some writings I found recently from 13 years ago. Part 1 can be found here if you would like to read it. I will repeat that I am writing these journal entries, not to dwell on the negative aspects of my depression, but in case anyone reading this can relate to what they are feeling and going through now. To see that others have been there, but also to know they don’t necessarily have to stay there. I am free from the darkness of depression and have been for about five years. My hope is that help would be sought and some form of treatment, to bring you to the same place! I will say a little about in the last post what that was for me. If anyone wants to ask me any questions though, feel free to do so.
One of the reasons that I started blogging was in the hopes of sharing and coming alongside of someone who may find some comfort in knowing they aren’t alone.
January 3, 2001….. Four of our grandchildren are staying with us this week. It’s Wednesday, and they will be going home on Friday. It’s been really good to see them for more than a few minutes. I am reminded of how much energy it takes when your children are young and active. I’m sure glad I had the energy when ours’ were growing up. No M.S. present at that time, that I know of anyway. I used to chase after the little ones, so I must have felt more power and strength. All of our children are wonderful parents and for that I am so thankful.
Why do I long for the time when God calls me home? I should be about His business and not dwelling on going there myself…. but I do. I feel like crying and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just ‘after the holidays letdown’ !
The grandchildren left today to go back home and back to school on Monday. What should I do? What should I be feeling?…… that I’m not! I’m thinking again that it would be better not to be here (alive). I feel disappointment in myself but to specify about what, is difficult to do. Was my life more important when I had children to raise and take care of? Is it a simple case of ’empty nest syndrome’? I think not, it has been too long that these emotions overwhelm me. I still look at photographs taken of the children or us at certain times in our lives and sometimes it makes me happy and sometimes the sadness overwhelms me. I know what part of the puzzle is, but not how to fight it….
January 7, 2001 Today Sunday, I’m worse instead of better. I’m feeling like being by myself because I don’t want to talk or make people aware of how I’m feeling. I watched part of Robert Schuller and another show as well. Both seemed to be emphasizing, that we need ….really need to believe God for taking care of things that are day-to-day struggles, as well as the big things. One was saying we need to pray about God’s plan for our life if we don’t know at this time what it is.
Well, that fits me to a T. I guess I’ll have to concentrate on that because I honestly don’t know what to do…. how to get rid of these times of melancholy and useless feelings. Nobody likes a chronic complainer or negative person, not even the person themselves. That’s how I usually get into trouble … not liking myself. Why does it always come back to that? The tiredness definitely has a part in it, but lots of people are tired and lots worse off than me. It is so hard on me to think and especially of what God’s plan might be for me in this stage of my life, and I always come up blank…. Blank !
That kind of covers how my mind is right now. If I call myself a believer and I most certainly do, accordingly I must believe that God will reveal what He wants me to do with this time in my life. I still sometimes find myself feeling I must really concentrate on this in prayer. I struggle with this issue of praying in accordance to His will, and I worry about how I pray or if I’ve said something to offend God. If my thinking is not right, it’s quite likely that I do! I’m so tired and down right now I can’t even think straight. I guess I’ll go to bed but I’m not going to pray because of my frame of mind.
Sometimes even I, feel like saying what so many people say to those with depression …. “Snap out of it girl, just think positive!” Baloney… can’t be done, at least by me….
to be continued,,,,,,,