When I was clearing out some old papers recently, I came across some entries from the year 2000/2001. They speak of a time when I was for the most part, in a depression. I am going to write them in a few posts, as it would be too long in one, and the reason for doing so is not just for the purpose of ‘looking back’, but instead to let some know that may read this post, words and feelings to perhaps identify with, and know that others have felt what they have, but also to let them know that it is possible to overcome some or all of those feelings…. to know that it doesn’t always have to be that way, because I have been free from that dark time for approximately five years now.
“Well, another year is passing and we are in a new home; W. and I and M and J. We don’t know what the future holds for any of us in terms of years we have left, or other situations in our lives. Our children are living busy lives and I don’t know when parents truly can let go of what things are going on. On the one hand they are adults and will do as they see fit, but Mom and Dad still somehow wish there was a way to relieve them of some of the trials and hurts and many many hurdles there will be. When I begin to worry too much I am gently reminded that it is of no use to do so.
I am 55 years of age, and my head is not clear so much of the time. I’m not sure why. It’s as though I’m always forgetting something or there is something I should be doing, especially for someone other than myself. Now with M.S. my thinking is definitely affected, memory, confusion, fatigue, but I hate to think I will be controlled the rest of my life. “My Life”…. oh Lord I wish that I could look forward with anticipation of what the future holds, and be excited about it. But I can’t! I’m sure depression has something to do with it. Lack of gusto in living. I think about other people and what they wouldn’t give to have the life I do now, or the future to look forward to. My mother had so much zest for living, zest for nature, zest to do for others. I constantly hold her as a reference for how I live and sad to say I fall very short.
My hope is in God. I often think of Him when tempted to feel sorry for myself. I thankfully know Him as a forgiving God and a God of the most perfect love there can be. So when I’m feeling low, I just need to whisper His name and maybe a feeble “help”, and I know He is there beside me. Sometimes I feel like crying out a bunch of nonsense…. and when I’m alone I do many times. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone other than God, and I know He understands exactly what I’m feeling. Like right now sitting here and just rambling, on a cold winter night, December 31, 2000 soon to be 2001
The world is getting so sophisticated, maybe too much so.
I have always been such an emotional person, and not secretly. I have been too open in some instances with my own ‘dragons to slay’. When my children were little they were my number one priority. But when they grew up, sometimes I wanted them to validate the feelings that I had. Secretly I can probably now admit, that I wanted them to ‘feel’ what I was feeling. That wasn’t fair because they weren’t and shouldn’t have been living my life.
I lived a part of my life (a large part) wanting and needing approval from people, whether family or at work. I succeed some times and felt good, but when I didn’t always succeed in making everyone like me, or get everyone’s approval, I felt bad and eventually at some degree would be beset by my lifetime partner… ‘depression’. I was fighting a battle that it seemed I couldn’t win. God stepped in so many times and would rescue me from the ‘pit’. If anyone has or had or knows anybody with depression, they will understand that word.
I’m sorry to have to admit but I haven’t permanently beat the almost ever-present fiend. For a time I do but the melancholy creeps in ever so slightly even now.”
To be continued……