I have wondered lately more-so than usual, what makes me the way I am. I know that we are the sum total of our experiences in our childhood and our adulthood, however what gives us our predominant personalities?
I have always believed that I emanated my mother and yet she ‘
seemed’ was much stronger than I. She was able to raise ten children, work when necessary to help support them, and had a strength that was beyond what I could imagine. She loved each child as though they were the only child, inasmuch as each felt special for who they were, and not compared to the others. I was the last of the ten and regardless of the somewhat dysfunction during the years I was growing up, I believe I thrived because of her love and devotion.
My father lived in the home until shortly before I was born, but he was not really part of the family, because he chose not to be. He had an addiction to alcohol, among other issues, and should not have been a father, but in those years (1920-1940’s +) circumstances were different. Once you were married you stayed married regardless of difficulties and just went about your life. It was only when it became apparent that there were physical abuses beginning, that he was not allowed back in the home. So he was not part of my life at all.
I sometimes wonder how many times my mother secretly thought that she couldn’t go on. I only wonder, because it was never evident that she felt that way. I’m not saying that she didn’t ever have difficulties, only that I didn’t witness them until later in my life. Because she was so strong, I think I have gauged my life against hers’ and believed that I have fallen short.
I do have an outlook on life and family that she had, in that her family was the most important thing to her, and she was like a mother bear, always looking out for us whether we were two years old or thirty-two. She seemed to always be able to sort things out for her children, and between her children, regardless of their ages. She was respected by them all.
So here I sit, thinking about her and how she would have handled the situation that has happened within our family, and wonder how I might have done or said things differently that would have resulted in a better outcome.
I know, we should not second-guess ourselves and we should not compare ourselves with others. I only sit here and wonder. It is a new year and it sometimes causes thoughts to drift to the year (s) previously, and think about the year (s) facing us. Nothing can change or alter the past but we can choose how to face the future. I can’t control the future, but I can control my attitude toward it.
I will be honest and say that while I want to believe it will be optimistically, because that is my intention, it is not guaranteed that it will be without problems. And I do not always feel optimistic.
And so I sit here and think, ‘what would my Mother do or think, just about now?’