Nowhere to Run…………Poem

Something I wrote back in 1991 that came to my mind. It’s certainly just random thoughts …not poetry in the real sense.

Nowhere to Run

Nowhere to Hide

No one can see

The hurt inside

No one can see

The confusion inside

No one can see

The real ‘me’ inside

I can’t even see

The real ‘me’ inside

Only Jesus can see

The real ‘me’ inside.

47 thoughts on “Nowhere to Run…………Poem

  1. Oh Diane,
    I relate so. Especially about the TALKING. Funny how not all feel the same way about it. My son is so narrow minded with tunnel vision. He only sees it the way he sees it. Also it is all about his pain. HIS dad died. He never stops to consider my daughter also is sad. As am I. JUST one example. He is 34, I am finally moving his phone contract over to him to pay on his own ( i know, I know, long story) and that is what spurred on the
    recent back and forth attacks. He never asked – well yes actually you did and were going to pay. In the last 8 years we never received a payment! But in his defense we kept using his number to upgrade until I finally told my husband no more! As of yesterday his contract was up and we can disconnect without penalty. Well imagine the money we would have saved if we’d just paid the penalty 6 years ago! :-/ 🙂
    Sorry I am venting but I figure this is an older post so I could share here. Your friend was RIGHT. YOUR words here helped a lot! I think we are a LOT alike! And not just cuzzz we have the same name.
    🙂
    As Christians, we need to share our pain. Sometimes it’s a relief to know we are not crazy and God’s GOT THIS ONE too!

    Di

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    • I’m so glad if it helped you to see that you’re not alone in the feelings and hurt and confusion that you’re feeling right now. You’re right that as Christians we need to support each other. The reason that I had hesitated to write this post was that I didn’t want to ‘weary’ the bloggers that followed me…. Like you said in your post, it’s hard to sometimes tell if others would prefer ‘I’m fine thanks’…. but in the end I am so glad that I wrote it, not only because the comments and support I received but that it helped you a bit…. BTW you can always vent to me and if you ever want to run something by me… my email is writerwannabe763@gmail.com Diane

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  2. Sometimes just sharing what’s coming up for you with people who care can help. I hope it helped you this time. May you and your daughter experience lasting joy and inner peace.

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  3. Diane- This post is pretty much what i wrote about…..only the phone conversations I had was with MY mom. We have had the same conversations where she wants me so close, I can feel her grip. I keep things superficial because she judges me with her conditional love. She has since started to let me go, and I have come back on my own volition and have begun deeper conversations other than, “Hows the weather by you?” and “How are the kids?” Have you read The battlefield of the Mind? http://www.amazon.com/dp/0446691097/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3061389731&hvpos=1t2&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=426035490440203915&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_46wgpo4wc5_b It may really help you as you try to move forward in life. God bless you Diane. Master your thoughts, or they will master you. I too wish you peace and happiness friend. Hugs

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    • I’ll look at the link re the book. When I mentioned that I wanted to talk about other than ‘general’.. it was because I had hoped she would open up an tell me what the issue was that was keeping her at ‘arm’s length .
      She has for many years been very critical in her attitude and I wanted to understand why…. Anyway thank you for your insight and I am trying to move on …at least in the ‘wait and see’ mode…

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  4. When my family fell apart and eventually “disowned” me. I spent some time writing letters trying to explain how I felt. While it didn’t mend any bridges, the letters did make me feel somewhat better. Like the one to my mother I posted. (You can read it here http://appletonavenue.wordpress.com/2013/07/17/bad-dreams/).

    It may help you feel better to it down on paper. Let her know how you feel, how much you love her and always have, share how deeply saddened you are by the current situation and would do whatever was needed to mend the fence. Perhaps there would be a response? You might offer to go to a family therapy session?

    But know that you have done everything you could, and then move on. Because you must move on, despite the pain. It is a loss you feel deeply, just as if your daughter had died and you will grieve for some time. But as with all things it will get a little bit easier every day.

    I wish you the peace and joy of the universe.
    L

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    • I read your letter to your Mom.. and it touched me so! It just boggles my mind how these things happen.

      I spent so much effort on trying to get some sort of understanding for the past few years… And it seemed like the more I ‘tried’ the farther back she went.. The most frustrating thing about this past few weeks is that she won’t allow anything to get through via email or phone. About a week or so ago I thought I’d write a letter and mail it hoping she would open it. Then I thought I had better pause and back off for awhile. It sits in the table beside me with a stamp and everything.

      I will wait and see when the time is right and then perhaps send it.

      Since I did this post I have settled into some kind of acceptance ..at least for now ‘superficial’ somewhat. The love and support offered by so many of my blogging friends has really helped immensely. Some like yourself have shared similar incidents in their lives….and that to me is amazing.

      So.. tomorrow we pick up our granddaughter and her daughter who is 4 and it will be a refreshing distraction….I had fun going to the dollar store and of course Walmart…to buy little books, and paints and coloring books…. My husband said ‘she’s only going to be here for a few days… But then he just laughed when I said I wanted to ‘spoil’ her a little..it was to me some joy in the midst of pain.

      So thank you dear friend …. I care a lot for you… and those are not ‘idle’ words but heartfelt… Diane

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      • Diane,

        I do hope you find acceptance, for it seems it’s all you have for now. You may put that letter away in a drawer to come across some time later. I’m sure the rest of your family is equally distraught over your daughter’s sudden “distaste” for her family. Put you energy into them and your precious great granddaughter. What joy a 4 year old can bring to a house.

        I wish nothing but peace and happiness for you, my friend.

        XOXO
        L

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  5. Diane,
    I prayed for your complete peace over this. I know it’s extremely hard. Something that helps me in excruciatingly hard times is to remember that God is not just watching… He’s right with me grieving the situation with me.
    “Jesus wept.”
    It is ultimately hard to see these hurts – to all involved. Someone isn’t trusting Him and that hurts Him and us. We aren’t trusting Him enough and that hurts Him and us and possibly others. Whatever the case may be in any situation… He’s there. He gets our pain. He’s right there with us. Our peace and joy is in Him. His joy is our strength.
    I believe they are interchangeable. Because sometimes it takes strength to find joy.
    Blessings my friend
    Heather
    40YearWanderer

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  6. We have had similar riffs in our families that have evolved due to a spouse that did his best to separate the family member from those who love her. (This has happened twice.) In our situation, it was meant to control by keeping loved ones away from her.. he would stir up issues in her mind to turn her against us. We were powerless as he was seeking to isolate her. It is heartbreaking to be shut out.. I will pray your daughter can find a little corner of her heart to let you in and talk this through. xx

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    • Thank you so much Barbara… While I know others have issues… yours resonates somewhat because there are others involved within …while not the immediate family…still family that are contributing to negative feelings she has instead of trying to keep our family whole….and thanks for prayers also…Diane

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  7. I think the whole “let it go, don’t worry, and forget about it” advice is said with kindness but wow it’s unrealistic. You have to process this with your human emotions. Unfortunately your daughter has to do the same. I pray that she will find her way back to you soon. In the meantime, keep the door open. Much love. Joanna

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    • The door is ‘wide’ open .. All we want is a renewed/restored relationship with out very loved daughter.. I pray that at some point she does too… And I would guess that ‘processing’ takes some time.. I only hope that it is indeed soon… Thanks Joanna xo

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  8. I do not have any words of wisdom, but I have lots of love and prayers for you and your daughter. As on the homefront said, many things are out of our control…just keep on prayer for her and staying focused on God. You are a sweet lady and I am sorry for your pain right now. Hugs and constant prayer….Patty

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  9. I agree with Heidi – and there are a lot of us who care dearly about you. I have learned quite recently that there are many things that are not in our control and that we do just have to “let go and let God”–but that is so much easier said than done. Good luck with this ((((hugs)))

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  10. I’m sorry to hear about this – I’ve always thought that whole “youre never given more than you can handle” thing was bunk. We just keep muddling through, given that there is no other choice. Keep your strength up, it looks like there are lots of is thinking about you.

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  11. Liking because my heart goes out to you, not because I like your pain, Diane. I’m so, so sorry. I relate – and so I know too, you can’t just tell someone to ‘get over it’ or forget about it. It’s not that simple. Because you ARE human, and God made you human. God made us to love one another and have relationships – He desired that we love one another. So I think HE understands, Diane, was writing ‘probably understands’ but no, I’m sure He understands.
    I doubt God would ever be displeased that you couldn’t hand over your burdens because you loved someone too much to do that. He’d be compassionate and HIS heart would break for you too.
    I felt this way with my little sister. I felt it was so unfair that she decided she wanted nothing to do with me. We were so close, and then she decided to listen to horrible people about me instead of the truth. And I like you like to communicate, if there is something wrong I need to talk about it, to sort it all out. I can’t hide and pretend it didn’t happen. It’s taken me years to come to a place where I am fairly okay. I don’t think of her all.the.time anymore. I still think of her often but have managed to get some distance. Come to a place of acceptance, I guess it’s called. Acceptance that I can’t change anything and I can’t bend another’s will to my own. I can only hope and pray.
    Avoiding you is unfair, it gives you no way to reach her or sort it out with her or even have closure about what it was that caused such a rift. And it’s unfair and painful to not even really know what it was.
    It sounds a bit like the reason you were in hospital freaked her out. Maybe she has huge fears of you dying or people dying and that was the last straw? People can react in very strange ways when fear is great. Because fear makes us RUN or FIGHT (flight or fight) which doesn’t allow us to do any THINKING.
    I hope and pray that time fosters healing. With time, maybe she will come back. I pray with time her heart softens and she’s willing to reach out. to communicate, to let bygones go, to try again. Or she can see that whatever was bothering her was wrongly directed – just the best for you all is what I wish for you. You are so kind hearted and deserve only kindness from others.
    So many warm hugs and so much love from me. I am deeply sad for you ❤ xxxx

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    • Thank you so much for your caring and understanding words… with regard to my hospital stay… unfortunately she was involved as well as a couple of other people that had caused an extreme upset… She didn’t mean to of course… again just total misunderstanding and lack of ‘good communication’ .. I was totally responsible though for what happened … my action was careless .. but there was more to it that is way too complicated to get into…But thank you again Fiona.. Diane xoxo

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  12. So sorry to hear about your situation. As a mother, I know it must hurt you well. I have ko advise to give, but the best thing we can do is really to pray that wounds would be healed. That God’s love prevail and that relationship be restored. Praying for both of you.

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  13. Diane, I am sending prayers. I read something recently about moving on…it’s not that you forget what has happened, but that you’ve realized that there’s nothing more you can do on your end. It doesn’t mean you love her less or that things can’t get better. It means the ball is in the other person’s court. It may be an issue that only God can deal with her about. The hardest thing in the world is to just say, “Your will, Your way, God.” But if you do this, you just may find some peace. Love, Sandy

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  14. Diane. you know how i like to talk about children and their mothers and what we go through as parents. But like you said. God is the only one who knows you. I know it is difficult. I sometimes see similar thing around children that i begin to wonder why. Well be strong, stay strong ,and build a strong shield around yourself . It is hard. I know, but try..

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