The first thing I must say is after posting the last time Temporarily Absent is ‘thank you’ for the many prayers and thoughts expressed to me. I have not replied to them as I have not been online since last Thursday at all and have not read any blogs therefore either. Also to add, this is a very long posting should you decide to read it.
Last week on the 29th of May culminated a period of time for which I have been under a great deal of emotional and physical stress. Often we bring ourselves to this point as was the case for me. I recognize this most emphatically and am so sorry that something dire had to happen in order to see just how caught up I was in allowing it.
I won’t go into all the specifics except to say that it involved being too wrapped up in an ongoing situation that while I would give it over to God, I kept taking it back again and not being patient enough to let God ‘keep it’ and ‘deal with it in His timing and not mine.
On Wednesday last week I became very overwrought and in order to calm myself down and hopefully have a time to rest my thoughts swirling around my head I took a ‘few’ sedatives and thought no more about the situation that night. The next day while hoping to feel better, something else happened that ‘again’ I thought I’ll just take a few again, really believing in my head and heart that there was no danger with the amount that I took. Unfortunately, our bodies are not predictable pieces of machinery and so the ‘few’ taken the day previous were still in my system, thus when taking additional ones the following day caused an ‘overdose’.
I need to say that there was never an intent on my part to take my life, but am ashamed nevertheless to know I caused so much pain and distress.
My husband was outside working in the garden and was unaware I had done what I had. He ‘happened’ to come into the house for ‘some’ reason found me sitting unconscious and not breathing and called 911 immediately. I had gone into cardiac arrest, and he had to perform CPR until help arrived. I have no memory of any of it, only waking up in the hospital with him and other loved ones surrounding me. Apparently, it was 50/50 whether I would survive the night.
I won’t go into too many more details except to say that this past week has probably been one of the most intense weeks of my life, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I became so aware what my lack of trusting God and how badly I hurt the person in this world who I love the most and who loves me, had been violated so badly. It was so evident of how selfishly I had been acting by dwelling too much on one area of my life instead of concentrating on all the many blessings that I have.
There are a couple of reasons I decided to write about this; one being that I wanted to share with those I have become so close to in this past couple of years; but also in case it may help someone else learn something from it all.
I will close with a couple of other things though I realize this is a long blog. One I am embarrassed to have done what I did but in admitting it I also feel somehow better opening up.
Secondly, whenever anything like this happens the police must in their investigating take into account that perhaps my ‘husband’ could perhaps have been to blame and in doing so confiscated my computer as well of course interrogating him. When the detective came to the hospital to bring it back to me, he told me that after meeting my husband he ‘knew’ he was innocent of any wrong doing but that it had to be done anyway.
I didn’t open up my computer until yesterday at the hospital as I was going to read some blogs etc. When I opened it up, instead of the desktop background I had previously on, there was instead a large picture of Jesus smiling and looking at me. My immediate reaction was ‘confusion’ but followed closely behind was a ‘peace that passes all understanding’. Either the detective who was searching through my documents etc; was a Christian and knew by his research that I was also, changed the background picture, or else it was God who did it. In either case it didn’t matter because of the peace it brought me, as though Jesus was saying to me, it’s okay Diane I am here and I understand it all.
So to end this very long post, I will say that basically the remnants remaining from this whole incident are some damaged and very sore ribs from the CPR, and the knowledge that God loves me in spite of everything. Oh, and by the way I came home today, the doctors and nurses so surprised with how quickly I have healed, going from being on life support, pneumonia and near death to being well enough to come home.