The Darkness Has Lifted But Not Without Consequences

The first thing I must say is after posting the last time Temporarily Absent is ‘thank you’ for the many prayers and thoughts expressed to me. I have not replied to them as I have not been online since last Thursday at all and have not read any blogs therefore either. Also to add, this is a very long posting should you decide to read it.

Last week on the 29th of May culminated a period of time for which I have been under a great deal of emotional and physical stress. Often we bring  ourselves to this point as was the case for me. I recognize this most emphatically and am so sorry that something dire had to happen in order to see just how caught up I was in allowing it.

I won’t go into all the specifics except to say that it involved  being too wrapped up in an ongoing situation that while I would give it over to God, I kept taking it back again and not being patient enough to let God ‘keep it’ and ‘deal with it in His timing and not mine.

On Wednesday last week I became very overwrought and in order to calm myself down and hopefully have a time to rest my thoughts swirling around my head I took a ‘few’ sedatives and thought no more about the situation that night. The next day while hoping to feel better, something else happened that ‘again’ I thought I’ll just take a few again, really believing in my head and heart that there was no danger with the amount that I took. Unfortunately, our bodies are not predictable pieces of machinery and so the ‘few’ taken the day previous were still in my system, thus when taking additional ones the following day caused an ‘overdose’.

I need to say that there was never an intent on my part to take my life, but am ashamed nevertheless to know I caused so much pain and distress.

My husband was outside working in the garden and was unaware I had done what I had. He ‘happened’ to come into the house for ‘some’ reason found me sitting unconscious and not breathing and called 911 immediately. I had gone into cardiac arrest, and he had to perform CPR until help arrived. I have no memory of any of it, only waking up in the hospital with him and other loved ones surrounding me. Apparently, it was 50/50 whether I would survive the night.

I won’t go into too many more details except to say that this past week has probably been one of the most intense weeks of my life, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I became so aware what my lack of trusting God and how badly I hurt the person in this world who I love the most and who loves me, had been violated so badly. It was so evident of how selfishly I had been acting by dwelling too much on one area of my life instead of concentrating on all the many blessings that I have.

There are a couple of reasons I decided to write about this; one being that I wanted to share with those I have become so close to in this past couple of years; but also in case it may help someone else learn something from it all.

I will close with a couple of other things though I realize this is a long blog. One I am embarrassed to have done what I did but in admitting it I also feel somehow better opening up.

Secondly, whenever anything like this happens the police must in their investigating take into account that perhaps my ‘husband’ could perhaps have been to blame and in doing so confiscated my computer as well of course interrogating him. When the detective came to the hospital to bring it back to me, he told me that after meeting my husband he ‘knew’ he was innocent of any wrong doing but that it had to be done anyway.

I didn’t open up my computer until yesterday at the hospital as I was going to read some blogs etc. When I opened it up, instead of the desktop background I had previously on, there was instead a large picture of Jesus smiling and looking at me. My immediate reaction was ‘confusion’ but followed closely behind was a ‘peace that passes all understanding’. Either the detective who was searching through my documents etc; was a Christian and knew by his research that I was also, changed the background picture, or else it was God who did it. In either case it didn’t matter because of the peace it brought me, as though Jesus was saying to me, it’s okay Diane I am here and I understand it all.

So to end this very long post, I will say that basically the remnants remaining from this whole incident are some damaged and very sore ribs from the CPR, and the knowledge that God loves me in spite of everything. Oh, and by the way I came home today, the doctors and nurses so surprised with how quickly I have healed, going from being on life support, pneumonia and near death to being well enough to come home.

53 thoughts on “The Darkness Has Lifted But Not Without Consequences

  1. I know this is a older post. I have to comment though because I appreciate the way you lay things out on the table, I believe there is healing in doing so the second thing is maybe the detective was working on the holy spirits behalf as in he was cued either which way it was all form god! Great Story D!

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    • Thank you for your sweet comments… this one and the other one… I must say that I am a very open person…. that’s just me…. but I have met such caring beautiful people here at WordPress and have received such support… God was with me truly… Diane

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  2. Diane, So sorry that I had no idea all this was going on with you! I am glad that you have recovered and that you are back here blogging with us. What a fortunate thing that your husband happened to come in right then. Truly, the Lord takes care of His people. God bless you, and keep you safe from harm.

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  3. Thanks for posting this. I’m so sorry you went through what you went through, and I hope your ribs are better now, and you are generally feeling better. It was very brave and humble of you to share this with us all, and I for one am helped by it and can learn from it. Thanks forf liking my “They buried him on a Tuesday.”

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  4. My dearest Diane,
    I’m so glad to hear that you made it out of this ordeal alive. God is definitely not done with you yet – yes? You still have a lot of posts to write I imagine, and He has many other good things in mind for you while you’re still here on this planet. What a wonderful present He gave you on your computer when you woke up. He sure loves, doesn’t He? It doesn’t matter what mistakes we make, or what choices we make for that matter either. He loves us with a mighty love, and He always will.
    love you dear sister,
    robin

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  5. I am glad you are allright and still with us Diane – I do know exactly how what you described can happen and am grateful your husband found you in time…my heart hurts to know you have been in so much pain.. do not be ashamed – when the signals get crossed – we do things that we don;t understand.. (((((hugs)))) I am so gad you are ok.. If you want to talk to just whatever – I am here – email me.. you seem like you have a wonderful support system..and many people who love you.. I will listen if you need someone who gets the darkness.. or anything else.. be well ♥ Lizzie

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    • Thank you so much Lizzie…I do realize that you could probably identify with much. This incident was definitely a wake-up call for me to realize that I can’t go on ‘striving’ for understanding. Perhaps I needed as hard as what happened was….for it to happen because I have learned a very hard lesson. I am either loved unconditionally or not….I cannot change anything and will not continue to strive after it…thanks again… and for the hugs too….Diane xoxoxo

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  6. Thank you for sharing all of this with us, Diane. I’m delighted to hear that you made it though such a scary time for all involved. Hang in there, my friend. You are needed in this world. If not, I believe you wouldn’t be alive today. Thank you for making my life better.
    Russ

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  7. So sorry to read about your past couple of weeks. I’m glad you seem to be feeling stronger. You don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed Sometimes things happen, and I’m so glad your husband came in time. I send you hugs and thoughts of peace.

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  8. I am thanking Jesus that you are alive. Thanking God your husband found you. Please don’t feel ashamed, you did something far too easy to do. Many people would easily take much larger amounts of sedatives and be fine. Please be kind to yourself – I know you would be if anyone else were in this situation. You are precious and I’m so glad Jesus left such a comforting
    message for you. Don’t blame yourself for being a human being. You have showered so many with kindness and compassion – now I pray you can have some for yourself. Love you and hoping you feel better soon xoxo

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  9. Oh Diane, I am so sorry about your having to go through such a horrendous ordeal! And I am so thankful that you are still with us and even blogging again!! You are definitely a strong, resilient woman! I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself over this. Life is hard and we are all just human. And there was Jesus waiting for you! But not in heaven, here on earth! Life is very beautiful indeed! Here’s a book that I often turn to and that has helped me so much over the years. It’s free online: As A Man Thinketh and it’s free online here: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/4507 I hope it will help you as much as it has helped me. I’m so happy you are back with us, Diane, and making a speedy recovery too! xoxoxo!

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  10. Thank you for bravely sharing this with your online friends. I do hope that along with everything else you are able to forgive yourself (often the hardest person to forgive – especially in someone as empathetic as yourself). Praying that you will come through this all the stronger.
    Be kind to yourself
    God bless
    love from Sandra

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  11. Wow. It looks like its been rather intense for a lot of us recently. I’m so sorry to hear what happened Diane. I am so happy that you made it through and hope that you are making a full recovery.

    Sending you my best thoughts.

    A xx

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  12. I am so sorry about what you went through–sometimes life gets too big and overwhelming and when we fix it we fix it too much–I think that is what you did
    As you know, my prayers were and are with you–and you are brave to talk about it–in doing so you have most likely helped others who may be in a similar situation stop and think
    Sometimes something simple can be devastating–I am glad you are back from devastating
    You have one smart husband!

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  13. I’m not implying you were suicidal, just making an observation from a personal perspective. There have been times when I have talked myself out of a deep depressive funk by reflecting on how it would hurt everyone else if I were no longer here by my own hand. I had a bad turn after a surgery and, from what I’ve been told, had a pretty close call. My wife is still upset I didn’t sue the doctor, expecially when he showed no real concern. The positive thing that came out of it though, and I am sure in your case too, was the certain realization of how many care and how deeply they care about you. Sometimes I wonder if the close calls aren’t put there as wake-up calls for us.

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    • I really do understand what you’re saying because at an earlier time in my life that thought may have crossed my mind… but in this case it was purely a ‘careless’ accident. And you’re right this was most definitely a ‘wake up call’ Diane

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  14. You know how I missed you. I was thinking too if i did anything wrong.I wanted to give you time to breathe.Thank God for sparing your life. I am glad you are back.

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  15. Oh, Diane, I just want to give you a hug. I am glad you are ok now and I thank God that He sent your husband in when He did. Bless your husband and bless you. 🙂 My prayers go with you.

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