Prompt….Picture the one person in the world you really wish were reading your blog. Write her or him a letter.
Before I write this letter to this one person, I must say that it really shocked me who it was that I wished could read my blog…very emotional….
You really don’t know me, but I wish in my lifetime and in yours you would have wanted to…. to know who I was, what my fears were, what my hurts were. Most of all I wish that you had known the impact that not knowing you had on me and not only me, but the rest of our family also. From whatever I’ve heard you were so preoccupied with your own needs and wants, that you didn’t have time for ‘family’ life. You were gone from the home by the time I was born and so you didn’t even see me as a baby…as a small child or in between. I didn’t meet you until I was about 11. I can’t even remember my exact age because it was such a trauma for me. Until then I could have some pre conceived idea that maybe if you had known me you would have felt and shown some love for me and maybe you would have told me so. But you didn’t! You just made small talk and tried to pretend that you were my ‘father’ when in fact you were only a stranger.
If you were able to read my blogs you would by now know how much my siblings endured living with a father who valued alcohol and gambling above his family. You would realize what your wife…our mother had to go through to try to keep us safe and well. You would realize by now by what I have written, the sadness you caused by withholding your love, and putting such a burden of responsibilities onto our mother.
You would realize if you were able to read my blogs, the difficulties not only I but others of my siblings encountered and somewhat caused by our dysfunctional way of life. One of these was the depression suffered by myself which was in a great part caused by my lack of self-esteem and self-worth I felt because of the insecurities about myself. But you would also know that I persevered and overcame this illness because of my faith in God.
You would realize that in spite of all that happened how we revered our mother and speaking for myself at this time, how much worse I would have ended up had it not been for the love she gave so freely to us.
This blog would also have let you know you were not ‘hated’ but that I was just so sad at the loss of not having you in my life.
You would know that my mother, still loved you despite your failings and everything that happened. On the day she found out you had died even though she could not speak, the look on her face and the tears in her eyes said everything!
So, while it is too late to ‘read my blog’ it is not too late to say as I have before in my heart….”I forgive you”. Your daughter Diane