It seems lately that I am getting very upset with myself. Over the past few weeks (and before), I have said or done something that was silly or I have been tempted to use even a stronger word ….one which should not be used…’stupid’. I know that I have some cognitive dysfunction because of my MS, and because I know this I try really hard to think clearly in order that I don’t make any mistakes
And I guess that’s why it is most frustrating when in spite of this I continue to do so. The harder I try it seems, the more I miss something or say or do something that has caused me some grief or embarrassment. I’m not talking about anything life threatening or earth shattering, but never the less it is troublesome to me.
I thought I got rid of the ‘perfectionism’ in myself that plagued me in my personal and professional life for so many years, only to find out it has remained, although somewhat less prominent still prevalent in my mind.
I volunteer at our local hospital, and I am enjoying it, but trying to follow directions is more difficult and when I make the slightest error I beat myself up over it. They aren’t big things that I do, but I forget or I overlook something that I tell myself I won’t do again and yet I do. The issues are easily rectified and I wish that I could just forget it, but I don’t….I brood about it and think that others must think I’m really not with it.
So, I’m back to why am I so worried about what others think? I guess one of the reasons is that I want to regain some of what I have lost over the past 20 years since I left employment due to the MS. I’m remembering that I felt good when I worked. I had been raised with the (can’t think of the word I’m trying to)….anyway …that one should be conscientious and always give the best that you can. I had my mother as an example of what you should do when you are …in this case ..paid to do a job you’ve been hired to do and I always strived to not only do my best but unfortunately if I ever fell short, I was so disappointed in myself.
It’s not only with the volunteering but also with day-to-day things. It seems that I am not accepting of my deficiencies and that is wrong I know. We need to accept ourselves flaws and all as God does. He knows my heart and the feelings that I deal with and He most certainly loves me anyway. So who am I not to as well? Who am I to put my expectations higher than what God does?
You see, I know spiritually and logically that I should, but right now I’m not. I pray about it and at the time I receive release from the situation, but then I turn around and do it again. Even as I write this I think now of the scripture….”I do not do the things I want to do, …. and the things I do not want to do….I do”…..
It sometimes helps just to write out these things because I can see that I just must persevere and not judge myself or hold myself more accountable than God does.
I realize that I am probably not alone in these thoughts and that we all must be a little easier on ourselves.