Tears, I’m Not Sure Why?

We’ve been away today and only home a couple of hours and I’ve been just sitting here praying like I normally do, but all of a sudden I find myself, crying.

I’ve been thinking about Father’s Day and all that entails and it suddenly comes to me at age 66, how much I still missed not having my father in my life. Many, many Father’s Days have come and gone with not a lot of emotion and certainly not what I am experiencing right now. When I was in the throes of depression I often reflected on the lack of having a nurturing and caring father, but in many years I have not been affected like I am tonight. I’m thinking of all that was missed not only by me, but my siblings who while he was in their life, did not really have one either…at least not one who they could count on for support or for receiving affection from.

The thing is, I don’t hate him. I was never taught to hate him. My mother never downgraded him to me and I think it was because she loved him regardless of ‘himself’. She was in a nursing home at the time we learned after the fact, that he had died. My mother at this time in her life had lost the ability to communicate, but when my older sister told her that ‘Charlie’ had passed away, there came tears in her eyes. And it was then we knew that she still loved him.

I said to the Lord tonight that just maybe somehow he accepted Christ and will be in heaven when I get there and we can have the relationship we never got to have on earth.

My husband had a good example of how to be a father from his Dad. He was the sweetest man who ever lived, and was a father to me in many respects, but it doesn’t change the fact that tonight I am ‘grieving’ the father that I never had!

13 thoughts on “Tears, I’m Not Sure Why?

  1. Thank you for sharing this piece of your pain with us. May you find inner peace and forgiveness. I’m glad that you had your mom and you have your husband’s dad. I’m also glad that your dad was alive. Otherwise you would not be here, and that would be a loss to the world.



  2. Men who are absent fathers have no idea how profoundly their absence affects their children. I really think if they could feel what we feel they wouldn’t be so cavalier. My father left when I was 13 and I only saw him a half a dozen times the rest of my life and he only lived 50 miles away! He passed away a few years ago and I saw him in a dream one night and he ran and hid behind a buidling! (figures!) I certainly understand how it can suddenly hit you like that. You learn to live the rejection, but you never completely get over it. Anyway, Diane I hope you are feeling better now. ❤ Take care! 🙂


    • My father quite frankly should never have been one but years ago people just married and had children and come what may..In our case our mother raised all of us even though when most of my brothers and sisters were growing he was physically in the home (when he decided to) but with me he wasn’t at all…likely better but it didn’t stop me wanting a real father…But I’m okay…don’t know why it hit me all of a sudden….but thanks …Diane


  3. Thanks Sara for your lovely words… Without my mother and the great amount of love and comfort and strength she gave and demonstrated to her (10) children none of us would have developed our capacity for life and love….and I do thank God for that….Diane


  4. What you are feeling isn’t silly at all. Mourning a missing piece in one’s life is never silly. I get where you are coming from and I am sorry that you missed out on having a father in your life. I am glad that you, like me, have a husband that is/was a good father to his children. And you know what? You managed to become a wonderful, compassionate, interesting, and creative person without having a father figure in your life. And that, my friend, just goes to show just how amazing you are. On your own merit.


  5. For each of us… we all have loved ones we are so concerned about. As you say… if they have trusted in Christ we will see them again and be able to enjoy perfect fellowship with the Lord and our loved ones. It is something great, as Christians, we have to look forward to. Lord bless you!


      • I dont’ think it’s silly. I had a good relationship with my dad – he’s been gone nearly 20 yrs now. We’re having to sort the house as mum can no longer live there. Every now and then I get a bit tearful when I come across something of dad’s. for example, I came across a photo he’d done; it was 2 combined – a picture of my uni with one of me in the corner. I can do something like that on the computer with a few mouse clicks. He’d done it in his dark room with negative film.
        These things can take us by surprise – a sight, a smell – and we’re right back in the past with its attendant emotions.
        … Sandra x


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