We’ve been away today and only home a couple of hours and I’ve been just sitting here praying like I normally do, but all of a sudden I find myself, crying.
I’ve been thinking about Father’s Day and all that entails and it suddenly comes to me at age 66, how much I still missed not having my father in my life. Many, many Father’s Days have come and gone with not a lot of emotion and certainly not what I am experiencing right now. When I was in the throes of depression I often reflected on the lack of having a nurturing and caring father, but in many years I have not been affected like I am tonight. I’m thinking of all that was missed not only by me, but my siblings who while he was in their life, did not really have one either…at least not one who they could count on for support or for receiving affection from.
The thing is, I don’t hate him. I was never taught to hate him. My mother never downgraded him to me and I think it was because she loved him regardless of ‘himself’. She was in a nursing home at the time we learned after the fact, that he had died. My mother at this time in her life had lost the ability to communicate, but when my older sister told her that ‘Charlie’ had passed away, there came tears in her eyes. And it was then we knew that she still loved him.
I said to the Lord tonight that just maybe somehow he accepted Christ and will be in heaven when I get there and we can have the relationship we never got to have on earth.
My husband had a good example of how to be a father from his Dad. He was the sweetest man who ever lived, and was a father to me in many respects, but it doesn’t change the fact that tonight I am ‘grieving’ the father that I never had!