Wandering Thoughts….Memories

This is another blog of something I wrote 12 years ago, (memories)  when I was still searching myself to see what I could learn, if anything.  I was still (or again) in a depressed state of mind. I look back and realize how far I have come. I believe for the first time in my life, I can say that I have climbed slowly with God’s help and that of family, friends and an array of doctors but the doctor that I have seen for the past 11 years of my life having helped me the most.

It is in effect a glimpse into somewhat of a journal…though it was only written on a pad of paper.

My hope also in writing some of these thoughts is that there may be someone who may identify with them, and realize that many others have questions and doubts during difficult days.

“I am a person, female, child of God. I am a wife of many years. I am a mother of 3 children, J; J; and K. I am a grandmother, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, cousin, and friend. I am a different person to different people.

I have had a difficult time since as far back as my teen years…with reactive/clinical depression. I have few memories from my childhood but mostly the insecure moments and times. I was the last child born in a family of 10. I wanted the love of a father which only happened when I met…my  Husband-to- Be’s Dad. He was so sweet to me. My own father I only met when I was about 11 or 12.  He was an alcoholic and had other vices as well. My mother was the person I most loved and admired. She was I believe 42 when she had me. She had a most difficult time trying to have a home and raise all ten of the children to grow up to be good people and citizens. She was my role model as to what a woman should be…intelligent, loving, diligent, hard-working, honest and forgiving.

I got married when I was 18 to ‘W’ after going with him 3 years. He had the same ideals about raising a family and felt we were compatible. I guess since he was so outgoing, it attracted me to him, because I was so quiet and introverted. He made me feel wonderful and I grew to love him. I always felt …he didn’t love me to the degree that I loved him.  Maybe it was that I thought he didn’t ‘need’ me like I needed him…but he said that he loved me. I would say that I was insecure though for many or even most of the time I have been with him.

In some of the days of our marriage we did have some problems but at the end of the worst of those times I truly believed since we made it through, there would be nothing in the future to hinder our relationship again.

During the years, I really worked hard to be a good mother and wife. We didn’t want our children to be undisciplined and callous human being. We tried to make sure this wouldn’t happen as we disciplined when necessary and had many, many long talks.

Also, it meant spiritual teaching…sometimes at church, sometimes by us at home.  I worked outside the home, sometimes part-time and other times we would work opposite hours so that as much time as possible was spent with one of us looking after the children. When my mother was healthy she lived with us some of the time and helped to look after the kids. But after she got sick, it was a very, very stressful time. Not that I blamed my Mom at all, but it was just difficult to keep everyone happy.

Over many years, my emotional and then physical health was up and down. I recognize now, I was trying to be all things to all people and I just couldn’t do it with breaking down every once in a while.

‘Perfection in all people and things was my goal…or perception. That of course was incorrect thinking. There was only one ‘perfect’ person who walked the earth, and that was Jesus.

My striving for perfection, was and is still a weak point in my personality. I try not to be disappointed when it doesn’t happen, and try to remember what I am learning in ‘cognitive therapy’.”

……end of ‘journal entry’ that was done in 1999 of previous times….I am of course now in the present 2012 in a much better place, free from the negative thinking and depression…back when this was done.  Thanks be to God.

6 thoughts on “Wandering Thoughts….Memories

  1. Reflection is seeing yourself in a mirror….but in my case it’s a mirror of looking back in time. I used to wonder why I kept the bits and pieces of my thoughts at different times in my life but now I know why. Thanks for your words full of insight…..Diane

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  2. You’ve had quite a journey and you document it so well. I I think your reflective nature is really important to getting you to where you are now. It’s so hard to know where we’ve been or where we want to go without reflection. Thanks for sharing so much!

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  3. It is so refreshing to see someone who is willing to evaluate their “issues” of life and the progress that has been made over the years. How many of us do not take the time, or courage to evaluate ourselves and try to make changes in the areas of life wherre we are lacking. Lord bless you as you continue to trust HIm in your struggles.

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  4. i am so proud of your progress! i, too, am a perfectionist. i am not as bad as i used to be, but will kill myself doing for others, then me left to go without. the journey i take with my brother’s illness, has let go of my perfect day, as my brother needs all my help. i no longer where make up, as i used to not go out without it or my hair neat and tidy. now i concentrate on brother, and concentrate on pleasing God. i don’t need to be a perfectionist any longer, because i would fail. God is only perfect one. He knows my heart, no matter how i look or how my house looks. i still clean and care about me, but it is no longer a priority. thanks for sharing

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