This is another writing that I did actually in 1993 in the midst of a very bad time…a long time and almost feels like a life-time ago. While these were not good memories, it is cathartic in a way to see how far I’ve come.
“At the present time I have been off work two years. Little did I know what lay ahead of me in so many ways after leaving my employment in 1991
First there was the hospital stay in the Psychiatry unit regarding the depression. Two weeks of trying to admit to my depression but also trying ‘in vain’ to say that I felt something was physically wrong as well ( which a very short time later I was to be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis).
Then the family or crisis,…rumors that started and blew into such a complex situation that it was I thought like scrambled eggs…everything was mixed up and nothing could unscramble the eggs..so to speak.
Right now I’m trying to decide what was and is real about me, my family, my life, and my work. Here I am with M.S. and yet still affected emotionally because of that and the other issue with another close family unit. Our sons and daughters have been involved and it seems our life now is an open book…not much privacy or dignity left. Even a lot of our friends are aware of the ‘skeletons’ in our closet.
I have attempted to look at everything and determined the proper action to take…forgiveness of everything and of everyone! I cannot it seems completely forget however, and things go through my mind from time to time of hurt that I do not want to remember. I talk to the Lord and ask Him for his help and know others pray for me to be at peace.
My moods and emotions play tricks on me…at the most unexpected times everything comes back in a rush, and if it is in a weak moment physically as well…I can’t control anything it seems.
I guess when I think ….control or loss of control of my present life and ‘knowing’ that the security and goodness I felt that I had during the past 30 years…was unrealistic and therefore I feel foolish for thinking and feeling secure during years when things were not as they seemed. I constantly ask myself if what happened really happened or am I imagining everything…or it’s a bad dream? My lack of security as I now feel, leads unfortunately to my younger years and my self-worth is in question again.
I feel God must be shaking His head at me and wondering why….if I have forgiven everything and everyone, am I down-hearted? Sometimes I can say..perhaps it is related to the M.S. and the stress over the past few years, that cause me to doubt myself and my actions again.
My concern over my ‘adult’ children’s lives is something I am trying to disengage myself from, but it is truly difficult for me. My family, my faith, and then my work was my life for thirty years plus.
I felt ‘pride’ in my family and my work and yes I guess also with my God and spirituality. What is that saying? ‘Pride cometh before a fall’. I didn’t feel it was bad pride..it just felt so good to ‘seemingly’ know exactly where I was at with these things in my life….marriage, children, Christianity.
How wrong I was ….how naive I was…how immature I was.
I have never liked to be wrong ie… perfection or as close to it as I could be, was my goal. That was my problem I guess…. if I had to feel good about these important things in my life..to give me my self-worth. I’m just not sure anymore of trusting any of my feelings about myself, my husband, my children and in general, my life.
The hurt and grieving over this cannot be understood probably by anyone else in my family. My sons, daughter and husband I believe have been able to deal with things and go forward…..while I go three steps forward and two steps back.
My only hope is that my family will be able to put up with me, and while thet don’t or perhaps can’t understand the complexities of everything I deal with emotionally, maybe they can sympathize with my confusion, and keep from judging me too harshly.
The physical aspects of having M.S. hinders me in that I am not as strong physically, in order to cope with all the emotional issues involved.
God….Please Help Me!
Post script…I am now free from the depression thanks to the Lord for never giving up on me. Our family is once again whole, and while I read what I wrote back then, I am so thankful that while ‘scrambled eggs’ can’t be ‘unscrambled’ by man, they can be by God.