I Didn’t Mean to Do It

This is a long time coming but having just the last few years in my life coming out of the grip of depression, and more recently free finally of the medication that I  took for over 30 years, I want to acknowledge that I owe an explanation and apology to some of those I love so dearly,  and to ask forgiveness.

To my husband, I am sorry for the years of you having to do much more of the work within our family unit. I am sorry for the times that I was too tired or too upset to do the things that should have been more a part of my responsibility. The times  when I didn’t even care about the house being tidy or dinner being cooked on time or cooked at all…because I knew you would do it. The times I didn’t feel like going out to socialize because I didn’t want to be around a lot of people. Then there were the many times that I would just withdraw and not spend time with you just talking, or perhaps watch a hockey game with you. There were the times that I took too much medication and sometimes in the hospital emergency because of that. I gave you a lot of worry and grief. You had to manage the children and the house as well as try to give me the time and attention that I needed from you.

I am so sorry …please forgive me .. I didn’t mean to do it but it happened.

To my children, I am sorry for the times that you were worried about Mommy. Mommy was upset and crying a lot and didn’t want to talk. Mommy wanted to just go and lie down and sleep. Mommy didn’t laugh as much as she should have. Sometimes Mommy wanted to be back in the hospital where she didn’t have to think or do anything…it was a security blanket.

When you got older and it was then ‘Mom’ was not fun at all. She didn’t act like other kid’s Mom’s did. She didn’t try hard enough to be ‘okay’. She just kept going to the doctor’s to try and feel better but it didn’t last long enough. She would be sad too much and not great to be around. When she laughed it didn’t sound like a ‘real’ laugh. She got upset and angry too much of the time, and then spent time saying she was sorry,  but it didn’t make it much better when she did. She didn’t have very much energy to do much or to go places that maybe we wanted to go. Sometimes I’m sure that she made you just a bit ashamed and embarrassed of having her as your Mom.

I am sorry…please forgive me… I didn’t mean to do it but it happened.

Having said that, we survived as a loving family and I know that my husband and my children loved me, but I’m sure that they didn’t understand what ‘depression’ meant or what it does to a person. My prayer is that while I of course hope that they always can find it in their hearts to have tolerance for those that are stricken with mental illness; they will never have to experience it to the degree that I did. And my last prayer would be…but I know the answer already….that they will forgive me….“I know that they have”.

8 thoughts on “I Didn’t Mean to Do It

  1. Diane,
    There is such beauty and poetry in this post asking for forgiveness from your loved ones. I pray that all of us learn to ask for forgiveness, for all of us have wronged someone who is important to us. And there is such wisdom in just writing those words down for those we love to read.Thanks for teaching me and reminding me of this today.

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    • Thanks for reading it and feeling some of what I felt when I was writing it..I can look back on those times of depression now and realize how many people were affected by it…but thankfully I can also look back and remember the good times.

      I also love to look at pictures…I took a lot during the time our children were growing up and it also helps me to know there were happy days amongst the ‘dark’ ones.

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  2. It is part of the healing process for sure and I just now have the strength to go back and remember some of those times and even though depression is a mental ‘illness’ there is part of me that wishes somehow all those years didn’t have to be….for me or for those I love …Thanks for your kind comment … Diane

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  3. Diane,
    Oh my. I hear your heartfelt sorrow in your words. Thank you for having the courage to put yourself out there. Writing about our pain and telling the truth, are great ways to set self free and on a healing path.

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