I am retirement age, and find that while I am enjoying the time to do as my husband and I want, I think there is more that I ‘should’ be doing. When we were raising our children and busy working there was no time to think. We just did what we had to do and thought how nice it would be not to have to be so busy, and of the day we would be able to relax and enjoy life. My retirement came earlier than my husbands’ because I found out that I had M.S. when I was 46, and went on long-term disability. Even though I was diagnosed with a debilitating disease, I somehow felt it was an unexpected answer to prayer. I had been praying that somehow I would be able to quit work, as I was burnt out.
There was a great tiredness for the few years previous to my diagnoses. There were other signs that something was not right but many visits to my doctor produced no answers until finally I ended up in emergency and saw a specialist. It took him no time at all to come to the conclusion that there was a problem that needed investigating. And so it was that I was not to return to work, from that day on.
It was uncertain how the M.S. would progress as everyone is different. In my case while I have certain symptoms that are problematic, I am able to walk, and enjoy life for the most part. I have written previously about the fact I suffered many times with depression, and when diagnosed it was one of those times, I think made worse because of how bad the fatigue was. There were other factors that caused this which I won’t go into, but there were a few really difficult years.
That was the past, and today we seem to go to a lot of doctor’s appointments..that happens as we age and so do our bodies.. But we have time also to just do nothing, and we enjoy that too.
Herein lies my issue. Am I doing enough to further God’s kingdom? Is there more that I ‘should’ be doing? It runs through my mind and I think quite a bit about it. I put ‘should’ in parenthesis because ‘should’ ‘would’ and ‘could’ are sometimes words that produce guilt that we can put on ourselves by using them.
There are things that people our age are busy doing but most of them I find that I would not be comfortable or able to do.So I have tried to think of what the Lord would say to me about my feelings and not doing enough for Him.
Because of my medical and emotional issues that have been part of my life, I have tried to help others during the times I’ve been able to. To truly ’empathize’ and not just sympathize especially with regard to what has been learned first hand about depression. I have strong feelings for people who are going through difficulties in their lives, and try to help in whatever way that I can.
My family is a very important priority in my life and I try to be God’s spokesperson to those that need to ‘see’ Christ in me. We don’t see our grandchildren as much as perhaps we’d like because they live a distance away, and they are of the age where they are still searching and coming to know what they want out of life. God is not too big a part of their lives right now, and so I pray.
And so I ask myself often….”Is there something I ‘should’ be doing?” But most of the time the Lord gives me peace, and He seems to say…”You are right where I want you to be.”
And I rest in that thought. And I pray that it is enough for now.