Forgiveness – I may be able to ‘some day’…..

Actually, I have been able to forgive the ‘someone’ in my life that caused many tears, but this is written with those in mind, who have not yet been able to reach that point. While we are told to forgive, I know for some it does not come easily because of circumstances we ourselves have not had to endure. Our hearts were not broken, our wills not squashed, our very bodies not violated by abuse to the point that we cannot envision forgiving that person. God does indeed say to forgive, and I think He knows that for that person who has been damaged so much, that the timing is His to know when that may be possible, and it will only be possible by His grace. To simply tell someone to  say the words “I forgive you” when it is just words and no feeling behind the words, I don’t think is helpful and I don’t think could count as forgiving.

There are those I’m sure who disagree with me but those are my thoughts.

 

For the things that have saddened me so…

Or the times that have caused me many tears….

Remembering times that caused distress….

Going over it in my mind,

I don’t understand why it had to be so but…

Vengeance is not what I seek.

Earning love should not be necessary

No, love should be unconditional.

Every day I am healing more,

So today I am letting you know

Someday, I may be able to say… “I forgive you”.

 

Discombobulated…..

Discombobulated.. yep, that’s me!   This past while, actually the exact length of time eludes me, things have just been so unsettled. As soon as one thing settles somewhat, it seems another pops up.

I mentioned our computer problems seem to be a thing of the past. What has been the hardest is finding another doctor. I did ‘de-register’ from our current doctor, but haven’t yet received the confirmation that we need, before going to a new one. This is the process in (Ontario) Canada that we need to go through when we want to start with another family physician. Of course if there was a medical need that we needed a doctor for in the meantime, we can always go to a walk-in or the emergency department of a hospital.

So I’ve been looking up online all the possible doctors in our area, and have been calling some to see if they are taking new patients. I’m of course finding a lot ‘aren’t’. I’ve also been networking in a sense, and asking our sons, and friends to ask their doctor if they will take us on. There have been some I found that are, but when I check reviews or information from the College of Physicians and Surgeons, I find some interesting facts. One new clinic starting out had at least three doctors that had practices in other areas, but checking reviews found that they had dropped their previous patient ‘high and dry’ with no notice, and left them scurrying themselves to find a new doctor. That didn’t sit well with me. If they had that little sense of moral responsibility I don’t think I could trust or respect them, and would wonder if they might do that again.

Another doctor that was taking new patients was actually working in a ‘walk-in’ clinic and so also saw miscellaneous people as well as his own patients. He also I found on checking worked in two other walk-in clinics in other locations, and he didn’t have hospital privileges either which I found out online.. So if for any reason we ended up in the hospital, he wasn’t allowed to treat us, and whatever doctor was working in the hospital would be, and they would have no history of our issues. So that ruled that doctor out.

I emailed the closest hospital and asked them for any names of doctors taking new patients, who have hospital privileges, but haven’t had a reply yet on that.

Because I guess of the stress, my ‘tinnitus’ (previous post done on this… here… ) has flared up in a big way, and so along with feeling unwell and having to wait for a new doctor, the constant ringing in my ear, is wearing me down.

However, in spite of all of this I choose to believe the next post I do will have great news and all will be resolved……

(Now, I just need to work on the letter to be sent to our current Family doctor, to advise her we are leaving…)

 

 

 

 

Michelle’s Weekly Pet Challenge

Challenge:  This is a picture of our cat Daisy. She was being curious as she normally is, and decided she wanted

to read the Bible. When she noticed there were no pictures, especially of animals cats she lost interest, and decided

to have a cat nap instead!

 

"Let me see what this is all about"

“Let me see what this is all about”

"Ahhhh This is much better"

“Ahhhh This is much better”

How Old or How Wise Must I Be?

How old or how wise must I be, before the things of life make sense to me? How long before I stop wondering about the need for men and women to seek excessive power, money and war?

It has been from the beginning of time that this has been going on. You would think at some point we would learn from the past. Does it really fulfill people to do whatever it takes to gain money and fame? It certainly can’t bring them peace of mind or soul. So what does it bring them? Surely happiness does not come at the expense of lives wasted in the process of ill-gotten gains. Surely war does not bring feelings of tranquility or a calmness of the spirit.

Is it as simple and as complicated as good versus evil? Maybe it is just that! When a child is born, it behaves and believes what it sees around it. If the child is born around those that seek war and not peace, they believe that’s the way life is supposed to be. If life is not valued, then as they grow they repeat the folly of their parents and community they are raised in.

I have to say that it does trouble me when I see the news these days. My heart breaks for those forced to leave their homes… men, women and children, and who end up in a camp with tents and whatever food and medicine that can be shared with them.

I know that there is not much I can do, that in any way alleviates these families’ situation. But the day it ceases to touch me, is the day I know that I’ve lost an important part of who I am.

While there’s not much that I personally can do…. I can try to contribute something monetarily and I most certainly can pray…..

So, how old and wise must I be to understand these things? I guess a lot older and a lot more wise, because I cannot understand hate and war at all.

 

 

Touching Base

This past little while has been taken up with trying to sort out computer issues and trying to find a new doctor. One we’ve been successful with, but not the other.

Ever since we moved here, the end of 2012 we have had computer issues or internets service issues. I finally did a lot of research and documentation of our terrible speed of our internet, and other issues, and this week we determined we were getting rid of  changing our ISP. After talking to them one last time about things, we made a call and yesterday we got another one. I don’t know how many of you test your speed, but I certainly got used to doing so when sitting and waiting sometimes for 10 minutes to get into a site. The system more times than not would time out, or say ‘page cannot be displayed’. I was getting so frustrated and just plain fed up. And now I can’t believe the difference in how fast the system is. Also, some of you may remember that I have had an issue with going on to some blog sites (the ones that end in .com and not wordpress.com). The old ISP claimed that in no way was it their issue, and I knew it wasn’t a WordPress issue!

Well, as soon as we were connected with the new one…. ‘presto’, the problem is no longer a problem. I  had spent so much time trying everything and everywhere to check all my computer settings and did test after test on my own and with WordPress support, and with our ISP.

The other issue is with getting a new doctor. I have not been feeling well (not seriously sick) … just not well, for so long and yet our current doctor just hates to make a referral to another doctor, and hates to do any tests. She thinks it is too expensive on our healthcare system, and she seems to be happy making best guess scenarios. I am hoping that soon we will be able to find a new one. There are other issues like follow-up of test results etc. too. We just want a doctor that we can ‘communicate’ with!

In any case, I am tired a lot of the time and find it hard to concentrate.

I was so happy though that at least the computer issue is at least solved, and that’s big ‘plus’!!

I’ll add some paintings I’ve done in the last little while….. just to add some color!

IMG_1176IMG_1180IMG_1222

 

A Special Day To Give Thanks

Today is the Canadian Thanksgiving; a day set aside to recognize the many reasons we have to be grateful. Most of us I imagine do not wait until this one day to do so however.

There are so many things that I could list that I am grateful for. I think though that this year I will mention here,  and give thanks for our family that is healing from the trauma, of this past year.

Next to God, our family is the most important thing in my life. I imagine that’s no surprise to many of you who have followed me for some time. I guess in thinking about it, I need to give thanks for two things. There were many of you and others who prayed, or sent thoughts of love and concern and offered support.

We all I think need to know that there are those who are willing to do that for us. There are many families who are going through difficult times, or who have reasons why they cannot be with their perhaps ‘biological families’.

But family doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be related by blood, but only by kindness, love, compassion, empathy, support and caring, to name just a few attributes.

As long as we have someone who falls into that category, we have reason to give thanks.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, not just to us in Canada.

When I Can’t Remember Anymore

Yesterday I learned of an elderly friend 92 years of age, who passed away. She had been dealing with Alzheimer’s for the last 11 years of her life.

It was one of her daughters who let me know, and while of course she and her brother and sisters were sad to lose their mother, they knew that it was her time to go.

I don’t know a lot about Alzheimer’s disease but I do know that losing one’s memory is a big part of it. I can appreciate what that likely does to that person, and to their family. In this case her mother only very recently had trouble with recognizing some people. However, she said that she did recognize even as late as the last visit two weeks ago, her children.

I can relate to how it feels to have someone close to you, not recognize or the inability to tell you whether or not they do, as for the last 7 years of her life, my mother could not do this.

To a small degree, I can imagine what it must be like to be that person, who either can’t remember or recognize people, or let those that love them know verbally whether they can or not. While I am not severely debilitated by M.S. my memory is one aspect that troubles me. When it falters a bit or more than a bit, I do have a disconcerting thought that perhaps one day, I will be in my mother’s shoes so to speak, and I thought of what I might think or say beforehand, to those that love me ‘just in case’.

Just in case I can’t speak

Or tell you I love you

Perhaps I’m too weak

And won’t know what to do

I may stare into your eyes

And hope so that you’ll know

That though I’m not wise

I can remember you so

Don’t be upset, and don’t ponder too much

For the way things are

The memory and such

Instead, please reach far

Into your mind

And remember me when

I was loving and kind

Though you can’t know

By seeing my face

Know that I love you

‘Just in case’.

 

 

 

 

 

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